keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
