Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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