How'd it feel making her break her religion?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
