I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
