you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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