Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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