doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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