Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Who died my cat blue again?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
