yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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