i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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