I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
