I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
