Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
