one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
