Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
