the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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