it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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