I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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