I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We were destined to go to rehab together
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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