had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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