I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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