Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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