My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
