I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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