The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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