Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
