We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
