The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
