Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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