Apparently you make a good broom.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize