I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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