At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
