I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
