The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
