Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
