Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
