bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
this hospital has no fireball
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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