I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
