Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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