3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
