I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
