Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
