I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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