The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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