I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He did a backflip because drugs
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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