9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
