There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
