guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
