I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
