I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
