why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
