He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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