I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
