laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
